Don’t compare yourself with anyone. — Fr. Tom Hopko
In discussing Thomas Merton’s thoughts on war, Gregory Hillis made the point that one of the ways we deal with our faults and weaknesses is by exaggerating the faults and weaknesses of others. “While we are willing to distance the malice within as being somehow distanced from who we really are, we do not extend this assessment to others.” We compensate for minimizing our own sins by exaggerating the faults of others.
Areas where I am most prone to talking trash about people behind their back are closely tied to buttons in me these people have stumbled on and pressed. So much is going on in this. When one is raised as a child in an environment of perfectionism or of constant criticism, belittling, ridicule or comparison with others to your detriment — or even just being exposed to adults who regularly speak ill of others — it can really form deep patterns of self-criticism that get projected outward in a negative and critical spirit.
Coming to self-knowledge of this personal history and cycle, combined with the experience of tasting God’s unconditional love, can be liberating. From that new place within, learning new habits of virtue becomes possible even if the remaining emotional habits may take decades to re-form.
When I find myself tempted or succumbing to the critical spirit, it can be very useful to reflect on what it is that’s been uncovered, e.g. my lack of courage, my pettiness, my fear of inadequacy, my desire to cover my weaknesses or to be liked, my failure to follow through on commitments, my unresolved resentments. What bothers me in the person I criticize or calumniate often has an analogue in me, and as I cannot absolve myself, I take pleasure in scapegoating another. Though that’s not all that’s at work, it is significant and I know I must stop measuring myself against others.
“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me?” — Rom. 7:24
To Christ alone am I to compare myself, measure myself, as it is in him alone that I discover a spotless mirror of truth. Christ is not only the totality of all human perfections realized, and the source of every gift that makes my perfections possible, but he is the healing salve that enters my every failure and broken place. Jesus is not my rival, waiting to humiliate or crush me with his superiority. Rather, in Christ competition is not a zero-sum game. Instead, competition becomes the pursuit of “outdoing each other in honoring one another” (Rom. 12:10) and “whoever wants to be first must be last of all and servant of all” (Mk. 9:35).
In the Body of Christ synergy is key, love is the way and unity without rivalry is the goal that achieves the glory of the Trinity.
One last point. When we compare ourselves to others, we are really comparing ourselves to a facade, a mirage. What we see in others is only a small fragment of the truth of who they are. If we could see with God-vision the story of each person’s life, we would see things very differently. Sometimes even just a slight shift in our perspective on someone, after we learn something we did not know, can radically change our disposition toward them. This is why prayer is so important, because it progressively introduces us to the mind of Christ, so we come to see others as he does. THAT is a revolution if you dare:
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus,
take possession of my whole being.
Transform me into yourself.
Make my hands your hands,
my feet your feet,
my heart your heart.
Let me see with your eyes,
listen with your ears,
speak with your lips,
love with your heart,
understand with your mind,
serve with your will
and be dedicated with my whole being.
Make me your other self.
It is a lovely thought, as we come to see the petty shallowness of our own critical spirit, to know that Christ meets us as mercy itself. How he loved the Pharisees, even as he went after them to try to expose their dis-ease! Ah! My own myriad shortcomings and failures, sins and hypocrisies, when revealed before the Face of Christ, don’t lead to shaming, humiliation and disgrace. Rather, his merciful gaze offers pardon, uplifting and liberation.
And then he invites me to extend the same to others…
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